This post is long overdue seeing as how I had graduated over two months ago.
It is definitely a surreal experience being out of school and now I've found my way back to blogging as a way of letting out my feelings. I wonder if others out there feel the way I do. I went through school with the sole purpose of finishing school and essentially fulfilling my parent's wishes - going to a "top-name" school, etc. However, sometimes I feel as if I did not go to school for myself and that I never truly found the time to figure out what I wanted in life and what I wanted to do. Not to say that everyone is like this, I know many classmates that have direct tangent goals in their lives and found ways to pursue it. But, I don't really find myself like that. I've always been interested in fashion/beauty and blogging but never really had the drive and passion to make myself really pursue it. Probably because I've always had self-esteem issues so it held me back. But no more! These past two months I've moved back home and found myself a nice job. I managed to buy a car and pay for it myself. I feel almost like a complete grown up - with the exception of my living situation.
I used to dream of living in a nice cushy apartment overlooking Los Angeles with a high-paying job, etc. No point to whine and complain now, looking back on it I should have utilized more opportunities in school (internships, etc) and picked a different major. What held me back was myself, financial issues kept me from looking for unpaid internships, a lack of car kept me from going out there, but ultimately it was my own self my own mind that made up excuses for the lack of opportunities I could have gained. Prior to graduating school, I had landed myself this wonderful internship opportunity out in the Valley - in client care with an opportunity to grow in the position. It sounded wonderful but accepting it meant that I would have to live out in Sherman Oaks and I guess I told myself that I wasn't ready yet for that type of financial obligation. What if my internship did not work out? What if I couldn't afford rent? It was these types of fears that kept me back from doing so and looking back at that time I should have taken it - should have taken that risk. Instead, I found myself running back home to my other "cushion" - the cushion of my parents. There was no STRESS to find a job immediately after graduation, there was no STRESS to find a car. The things that my parents did not stress on me I found myself immediately doing - within two weeks of graduation I had a car and a job. The things that my parents did however stress on me (such as taking risks, changes, finding opportunities) I instead held my own self back from doing so. I've been slowly learning to take more risks and to not care what others think. I was so scared of what my relatives would think if I did not have a job, my relatives actually do not wish for my happiness and success. In my mind, their hearts' want me to not do as well as them, as if they were the only ones who could succeed.
I also had a timeline - graduate with a Psychology degree in 2013 and immediately enter graduate school to obtain a Master's degree by 2015. If I had realized how expensive graduate school was then I probably would not have made those goals. By the time graduation came around, I realized that I did not even want to really specialize in Psychology and even if I did would I want to dedicate such a long time to research and the like. (Also, my grades were not the most beneficial as well). I threw aside that old goal and just decided to go with the flow. I'm learning now to be more happy and to learn to take the opportunities that are around me now. When I had first found my job, I was a bit ashamed at the idea that I would have to answer phones especially since I had a college degree. My friends all did not have jobs yet, some are not even graduated - so I should be grateful for the chance that was presented to me. Talks with my mom made me realize that everything is a learning experience and what I do at my current job will help me a lot in the long run, even if it seems menial right now.
As for self-esteem I'm also beginning to slowly love my body. I went through lots of periods of ups and downs with my weight and body image. Now, I've just learned to accept it and slowly learn to eat healthier and exercise more. If I lose weight, then I will but at least I'd do it without any unwanted pressure on myself. I still go out to find awesome places to try but I do it moderately, sharing portions with family and friends instead.
Post-graduation was also hard on my social life. I made a lot of close friends at school, close friends that either graduated and went back home (not in LA) or are still at school. We still email constantly but it's hard to keep communication when everyone is going their separate lives. I feel this way with many of my old friends from high school. Many of them have found others and in a way are comfortable in their ways right now and don't seem to want to change. I've never been one to really reach out and establish communication but perhaps others are like me as well. If we are both like this, how are we ever going to be able to maintain a friendship. It hurt at first, but I'm learning to reach out more - to let down my so-called "pride". I also made a lot of friends online, which might seem to weird to some but I've really managed to connect with other people that are unfortunately further away from me. Maybe it's the veil of the internet but after meeting them my true self came out a lot more and I was able to really connect with them and let out my true feelings that I could not find myself doing with others. I'm incredibly thankful for them. I've recently gotten back into kpop more. It allowed me to have something to look forward to watching, my source of entertainment and happiness. It also allowed me to find the close friends that I have now. I've changed a lot, I'm not sure if its from being away from close friends or just being at school.
Being out of my "cushion" of school now is definitely scary and I want to use to blog to connect with others who might be feeling the same as me. By cushion I mean that constant excuse of "I have school" for anything that is thrown your way - relatives, friends, events, jobs, etc. Sometimes a bit lost and always confused. I'm 21 years of age going onto 22 and I'm still finding myself everyday. I always wonder about the future and what my career will be or what my family will be like. It scares me everyday. I'm learning to live life carefree day by day and just letting my true self be free - dressing the way I want, indulging in the things I want.
The purpose of this post was to really let everyone know that this blog is probably going to be sometimes very personal as I am currently on a self-discovery phase.
Here's a TL;DR:
My blog is taking a slight change in direction. I've graduated college and it is scary as anything. I've left my "cushion" of college and went back to my "cushion" of home and full-time work. Please join me as I learn to embrace the things I love and find myself on this new path.
Thanks everyone!
Much love as always,
Vivienne
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