One year later...

It's really amazing to read back on my /one/ post from last year and see what I've become now.  At that time I was fresh out of school and still figuring out what I want to do, what career goals I have, what to do now that I don't have school or friends, etc.

Here's a quick update - I left my last job (technically my first official full time job) after only being there for 8 months and have now found a new job.  I had a lot of issues with my last job, it wasn't relevant to my studies, it didn't seem to have any potential growth for what I wanted to do (which I'm still figuring out) and just the overall company itself.  It had its pros and cons.  My coworkers there were amazing and my supervisors were really nice.  They seemed to really want me to grow within the company and they wanted me to basically take on new roles within that job.  Now, I was extremely flattered that this company wanted me to grow as a worker but it wasn't something that I could apply my previous experiences to.  I felt that my education, my background, everything that I was mildly proud of was overlooked by these customers with 'money'.  They felt entitled to a type of service, a type of treatment since they were the customers.  The whole consumer-service industry is something that I worked in previously and I didn't like it.  Now, why did I apply for this job and accept it in the first place if I knew that I was basically going to be pushed around? To this day, I'm not sure...it could be the idea of having a job fresh out of college or just having the ability to afford nice things...who knows.  Either way, I couldn't handle it and I felt that my skills weren't being used to the best of their ability.

This led me to start looking for jobs...my parents gave me so much advice not to since it is always best to stay in a position for at least a year but I was so unhappy at times that I needed to.  I looked and looked and eventually I got a new position.  I currently work back at my alma mater (go Bruins!) helping with community work and essentially public health outreach.  It really feels like a complete 360 from my previous job.  I was helping rich entitled folks before and now I'm helping the overall community find out about one of the most essential things in life - medical and health services.  It is also a new work environment and the trust that I receive from my supervisors to do my work makes me feel like a grown person. If I do my work on time and do a good job - then I've proven myself as a competent worker.  It is that type of satisfaction that makes me happy about my transition and I can only hope for the best here.

While comfy, there are times that I wonder to myself what more is there for me? I know there's grad school...in my last post I pretty much completely pushed that idea out of my head.  I'm beginning to reconsider it (probably after I've made a sizable dent in my current student loans, though). I told myself I wouldn't dedicate any more time and money to school unless I found something that I was passionate about and with a degree that will allow me to grow in my career.  I feel like maybe if I continue on this pathway I can find what I would like to study (I have a few ideas...) and find the right program for me.

As for my social life, it is as it always is.  The whole body image thing has not improved and I still have my down days and my up days but mostly down days.  It's also hard too since I'm working I can't wear clothes that really express myself.  I dress more for office than I do for myself.  By the time the weekend comes I'm so tired and lazy I can't even be bothered to dress up - I'm not sure what that does for my self-confidence.  I've found a new group of friends that I can hang out with.  I still keep in touch with close friends, group chatting with a lot of them and that pretty much keeps me sane.  Problems that I have, moments that I want to share, etc. I can do so online or on the phone.  It's pretty amazing how wired in I am all the time. I don't know what I would do without them~

There's also pressure on my so-called love life.  I read this article the other day that my close friend sent me - here - that pretty much spells out my entire love life.  I'm 22 now, going on 23 which means another year closer to 30.  Now, in my culture 30 pretty much spells the demise of a young lady.  If you're not married or close to marriage by this age you're basically going to be an old hag that lives with 40 cats for the rest of your life, etc etc.  Such a dumb number, but the pressure is on. My mom doesn't even put any pressure on me (only sometimes she'll make subtle comments about how I never like to go out dancing - okay mom clubs these days are different than clubs during your time) but a lot of pressure comes from my family. I'm not even sure if I want that type of relationship. I'm scared of commitment, I'm flighty, I have a short attention span, I get bored easily, what if I don't even like the dude anymore.  There's all these questions in my head but my coworkers keep stressing to me that I'm YOUNG and that I should not be putting this type of pressure on me.  When my time comes, it'll come.  I need to learn to love myself first before I can open up my heart to love someone else.  Hey, I'm selfish I admit it.  I've gotten too used to being on my own and doing things independently on my schedule it's so hard to fit another person into my life right now.  I want to focus on my mind, my body, my finances and my career before another person.

Wow, I've written such a long post but I figured that I need to be more consistent with updates rather than update every year or so.  I'll try to check back in every so often to those that actually read my posts.  If you did read everything, I love you so so much and you mean a lot to me.  I basically poured my heart out here and I want to thank you for your time and for caring.

(This blog is pretty much just word vomit and walls of text.)

Also - within this last year I've cut my hair and dyed it. Trying to go for a new look. Here's a visual update I guess.

Vivienne (:

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